


Questions & Concerns

by SBlackmane



Series: Lion, 9:41 Dragon [6]
Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-01
Updated: 2018-11-01
Packaged: 2019-08-14 07:53:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16488653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SBlackmane/pseuds/SBlackmane
Summary: Cullen tells Adaar about the Lyrium withdrawal.





	Questions & Concerns

He'd only taken the time to bathe, dress and eat before calling the advisers to a meeting in the newly arranged war room beyond Josephine's office. Twas not uncommon for the Tal-Vashoth to immediately debrief them after a mission before he was fully recovered. But this instance in particular was vexing to Cullen. They were early to the meeting, Leliana and Josephine the first to arrive, followed shortly by Cullen, and the Inquisitor arrived lastly, hair still damp, but he looked refreshed.

Though irritated still. He was chewing on a newly acquired toothpick, already fraying a little at the ends from so much attention. He barged in and slammed the door shut behind him, then stalked over to the elaborate oak table before them. He then smacked several slips of parchment down on the table with a glare. Utterly wild, eyes ablaze with teeming emotion, which was so unlike the calm, collected, and all around ease they were accustomed to. He wore no tunic; hadn't taken the time to find one, to Cullen's chagrin.

Too impatient to concern himself with matters such as modicum of dress. The Commander quickly averted his gaze, and avoided letting it rest on his form, forcing himself to look anywhere but over his torso. If it weren't for his overwhelming curiosity, it would be far more distracting, as it were. Neither Leliana nor Josephine commented, but both women looked nervous. Alright, well, _Josephine_ looked nervous. Leliana was too good at schooling her emotions, but her lip twitched.

"So, Crestwood," Adaar struck up, not even bothering to make any sort of smalltalk before getting down to business and discussing the mission.

"Your report was very vague, Inquisitor," the Spymaster remarked, also not wasting a minute of their time. Adaar nodded.

"Sorry about that. Didn't want the information getting into the wrong hands," he said. "Hawke's contact was being shadowed by Wardens, and I didn't want to risk his discovery, or raise their awareness to our investigation." He took a deep breath. "So, here's what we know. Right now, Wardens are hearing something called the Calling. Every single one of them, at once." This time, Leliana didn't hide her unease. "Stroud explained it's what every Warden hears when they're nearing their end, that compels them to travel to the Deep Roads.

The taint connects them to darkspawn, and the Blight. It eventually consumes them. They all think they're dying. According to him, it's every single one of them. Which leads him to believe it's a false Calling, concocted by Corypheus. Stroud and Hawke are on their way right now, to this location." He jutted forward one of the slips of parchment, on which a map had been sketched, as well as a few notes. Cullen glanced at it. The Western Approach in Orlais. "According to Stroud, Warden-Commander Clarel intends to enact a blood magic ritual."

Cullen's head snapped up in alarm at the phrase 'blood magic'.

"She believes it will stop all further Blight," Adaar continued, all throughout with a stony expression. "I need Harding to put people here, and here." He pointed out the areas that Cullen suggested they start with to track down Samson. "And if Hawke and Stroud have not reported back by then, I need her to make contact with them in the Approach, find out what they've learned." He snatched up another piece of parchment. "And Leliana, I'll need your people to track down Crestwood's mayor, have him detained, and notify the proper authorities."

She glazed over the report for a moment, then nodded.

Cullen's heart was racing still, at the thought of such activities the Wardens were involving themselves in. He turned to the Spymaster. "Leliana, you traveled with Warden-Commander Cousland, tell me, is what Stroud says even possible?" he inquired.

"Possible? Yes. Probable? I hadn't thought. But if they are under Corypheus' influence, there is no telling what the Wardens might do."

"Hawke was sure to mention he'd gotten in their heads before," Adaar told them. "That was how he escaped the prison that kept him contained. Easy to get out when your jailer hands you the key."

"Should we hear Blackwall's thoughts on the matter?" Josephine asked.

"No," Adaar was quick to admonish.

"No?" she repeated, in confusion. He shook his head.

"I want eyes on him," he instructed Leliana, who nodded. "If he speaks to anyone, I want to know who. Any letters he writes, any contacts he makes, and if he leaves, I want him followed." Again, Leliana nodded, but still, Josephine didn't understand the cause for their suspicion. Neither did Cullen, frankly.

"Why the secracy?" he asked the Inquisitor.

"Just a hunch," he said. "But not once has Blackwall mentioned this, when according to Stroud, it's been going on for months, since the Wardens first disappeared, my guess that's why. And not once has Blackwall mentioned he suspects he might be _dying_ , nor has he traveled to the Deep Roads to do so. I might be wrong, but I don't trust that."

With that being said, none had any argument whatsoever on his behalf.

Cullen agreed, that was markedly suspicious.

And he agreed it would be wiser to wait and see than to confront him before they had all the information.

Only time would tell if Blackwall was truly their ally, or perhaps had been playing them from the start. And better to keep an eye on him than escalate matters unnecessarily.

Given the gravity of conversation, in hindsight, this would explain Adaar's disposition upon arriving back at Skyhold.

This was a lot of information to process, and for too many reasons to count, Cullen was greatly concerned.

They adjusted the map markers to reflect the new information recieved, and tended to any business left unfinished since his departure. The meeting ended abruptly when Adaar finally said, "Okay, that's all for now," then stormed out, looking no less bothered than when he first entered the chamber. Cullen wanted to seek him out, talk to him, see if he was alright, or perhaps needed an ear to listen to his concerns. Or maybe just to talk about the weather, something to take his mind off things for a moment, but decided against it.

And Cullen had his own concerns. He marched back to his office feeling on edge. The discussion of Wardens enacting a blood magic ritual dredged up all the terrible memories attached to those horrifying words. Every incident of corruption and blood magic Cullen had experienced in his life. And the worst of all. The mother of all nightmares in his mind's eye... _Kinloch_. He was sweating by the time he reached his tower, and his skin felt like it was on fire, hands shaking as he flashed back to that horrific moment in his life.

Breath coming out in short pants as his armor felt so constricting. Then breath stopped altogether for a moment, when he laid eyes on the box left on his desk.

"Sweet Andraste," he blasphemed, when he spotted the Lyrium kit.

He'd nearly forgotten that Josephine had managed to pull some strings to secure a supply of Lyrium for the mages and any former Templars allied with the Inquisition, and that someone had been assigned to make the rounds, and deliver their daily dose of the insufferable liquid. To Cullen's horror, the dispenser was aware that Cullen had been a Templar, and automatically assumed he still took Lyrium. They left a kit, and Cullen could almost hear it now. The alluring voice of Lyrium, drawing him closer, tempting him to look inside the box.

 _Perhaps I should be taking it_ , he thought. _If the Wardens are using blood magic, the Inquisition will need every available Templar. It's worth the risk._

At such compelling thoughts, he darted around the desk and reached for the box with shaking hand, gently running his fingers over the surface. It was right there, just inside, and Cullen had a very good reason to take it...So why did he feel so guilty? Why did he feel so dirty and disgusting? So ashamed? _It's not Red Lyrium. It's the blue. I would never be so vile as to consume that wretched taint like Samson. No matter how desperately I need Lyrium. I would never corrupt my mind with such foul liquid. I would never be so-_

_It's only a few doses. Only temporary, until the Wardens are dealt with. I'll quit later. I need it now. I need to take it, I need to-_

"Commander?" came a deep voice, from the doorway, and Cullen looked up.

Amber eyes met deep brown, at the sight of Inquisitor Adaar.

Cullen snatched his hand away from the box and cleared his throat, hoping Adaar was clueless to how flustered he'd become.

"Is this a bad time?" he asked, and Cullen shook his head. _No, your timing was perfect, actually,_ he thought, sobering a little. Adaar suddenly appearing in the doorway, coming into the office, and closing the door behind him, effectively saved Cullen from making a terrible mistake. Were he to take Lyrium now, he might not ever stop again. _Thank the bloody Maker._ Adaar stepped up to the desk, folding his big arms and stared down at the box. His jaw ticked as he clenched the toothpick with his teeth. "What's that?" he asked, leaning his head.

"A Lyrium kit. It's what Templars use to self-administer their doses," Cullen told him, and at the face Adaar made, one of mild detest, he then made a decision that - in hindsight - would forever alter his relationship with Ataashi Adaar. He decided to tell him the truth of it. Perhaps he had a right to know, after all. He sighed and tore his gaze from the damnable substance, meeting Adaar's once more. "As leader of the Inquisition, you..." Again, he sighed. "There's something I must tell you."

"What's on your mind?"

He rubbed the back of his neck. He wasn't quite sure what Adaar would think of this, what his opinion would be, but he needed to say it. "I mentioned to you before of Lyrium granting a Templar their abilities," he said, and Adaar nodded. "And how it controls us. Those that are cut off from it suffer. Some go mad, others die. We have secured a reliable source of Lyrium for the Templars here, but...I no longer take it," he confessed. His eyes had dropped to the table, but they glanced up at Adaar just then, who wore a mask of perfect calm.

 _Back to pretending then,_ he thought. "You stopped?" he simply asked, and Cullen nodded.

"When I joined the Inquisition. It's been months now."

He allowed Adaar a moment to process and formulate an opinion on this, praying that he supported the idea. Should the Inquisitor suggest he keep taking Lyrium, or worse, _order_ him to keep taking Lyrium, he didn't know if he could resist. And he would have no choice. He would obey Adaar's order without question. It was one of the few things more powerful than his addiction to Lyrium. His infallible loyalty to the Tal-Vashoth. He'd more than proven himself worthy of it, in Cullen's opinion.

And if Adaar told him not to take it, he wouldn't. Just to prove that.

"Why take such a risk to your life?" Adaar questioned, furrowing his brow in confusion.

"After what happened in Kirkwall, I couldn't..." Words failed him for a moment. There was just too much. "I will not be bound to the Order - or that life - any longer," he said. "Whatever the suffering, I accept it. But I would not put the Inquisition at risk. I've asked Cassandra to...watch me. If my ability to lead is compromised, I will be relieved from duty."

Adaar nodded a little, considering Cullen's words. "Are you in any pain?" he asked, sounding concerned for him. Cullen had to admit, Adaar being concerned for his welfare was...comforting. He cared. He didn't want Cullen suffering. He wasn't sure if he deserved that. But it felt nice to hear.

"I can endure it," he shirked, but the Inquisitor didn't look convinced.

"Okay," he said slowly, questioningly. "Well, I respect what you're doing, Cullen. If there's anything I can do to help you, let me know."

Cullen nodded, flooded with relief. Adaar would not fight him on this decision. Now, if only Cullen could keep up the fight against the urges.

Adaar started to leave his office, and just like the last time, he stopped, looked as if he wished to speak, but then changed his mind. He opened the door, but Cullen halted him with his words.

"When you came in here, you seemed as if there were something you wished to discuss," he reminded.

"Oh, yeah, no it's...it's not important."

Cullen sighed and made his way around the desk. "Something's been bothering you," he pointed out. "You look as stressed as I feel. Care to share?"

Once more Adaar opened his mouth, as if he might open up to Cullen, but no words would come. He sighed, plucking the toothpick out and ground his teeth instead. Cullen waited patiently for some sort of explanation, but deflated when Adaar suck in a breath, then proceeded to lie right through his teeth. "Just miss my pipe, is all," he said, with a shrug, then reinserted the wood, biting down on it. "Catch ya later, Commander," he said, and left the office, before Cullen could comment.

He scoffed indignantly once alone. "We're more alike than I thought," he muttered. Then he glanced back at the Lyrium no longer drowning his thoughts quite like before. "We don't even know what the Wardens' ritual entails," he reminded himself. "You don't need it."

 _Yet_ , the Lyrium sang softly. _You don't need me yet. But you will._

He snarled.

Seconds later Cassandra appeared, turning his attention away from the Lyrium entirely when she said, "I saw Adaar leaving your office. Have you spoken?"

"We discussed what's most important," he said, feeling that was better of a response than outright lying to her. He wandered back around his desk, ready to get back to work. Cassandra spotted the kit still sitting there, and swallowed.

"Josephine mentioned the doses were delivered today," she said, gesturing to the Lyrium. "That's what I came to speak to you about. I had hoped you hadn't -"

"I haven't," he assured her, then, with a nod, he pushed the kit away. She accepted it gladly, prepared to take it from the office and deposit the kit elsewhere. "And in regards to the Inquisitor," he added, making her pause. "I'm still working on it."

She nodded in understanding, then left him to his work.

He scratched his chin in thought.

Ataashi Adaar, yet another temptation he was trying to resist.

Though failing at.


End file.
